June 13, 2007 by
Psssst! I won’t tell you what I had to do to get it, but I finally secured the secret formula for the Gay Bomb! And just in time for Gay Pride Month! Okay, I’ll tell. It involved a bunch of tequila and a recent visit with some fly-girls from the Air Force’s Wright Laboratory in Dayton, Ohio. That’s all the freedom of information you’re getting.
Apparently the military has a program to develop non-lethal weapons: e.g. mega-ton tasers, stare-downs from Mr. Karen Hughes, what not. Non-lethal weapons are so thoughtful, if a tad late for thousands of Iraqis. The Air Force requested $7.5 million from the Pentagon to develop a so-called “gay bomb” which would release a chemical aphrodisiac to turn enemy forces gay, causing them to become more interested in sex with one another than in fighting.
Unfortunately, I was unable to obtain the formula, also proposed at the time by the Air Force, to make bees angry enough to attack enemy forces. It was not clear if those attacks would come while the enemy lovers were having sex. Which is just plain mean. As you know, the Air Force Academy is located near Utah, the Beehive [not hair] State There must have been concern that the bees would flee their collapsed colonies, illegally migrate across borders and attack some yummy Mormon sister-wives.
The Gay Bomb proposal, per usual, has nothing to do with women. Because it takes a bit more than an incoming canister of eau de Tom Ford, a soupcon of Rufus Wainwright qua Judy Garland and some K elixir to flip women soldiers into lesbians. Hint: if you leaflet U.S. women with promises to pay their full student loans and faster than you can say “Private Benjamin”, you’ll have a lean, mean fighting lezbeen machine. Turns out everyone loves multipocketed camo pants.
News of the Gay Bomb had surfaced back in 2004 and has resurfaced in tandem with the renewed political need for a gay wedge [AKA get-out-the-base-vote] issue. Tired old Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell is the new Gay Marriage. It is so 2004. And so desperate.
The tide might be turning. Under the carpet bombing of “I Love Paris in the Slammer” coverage, Defense Secretary Robert Gates announced that the contract for General Peter “Homosexuality is Immoral” Pace would not be renewed, though he could still pitch for the Yankees. In our house, we believe that Paris Hilton works for Karl Rove.
Military recruitment goals are not being met. Five rabidly Catholic Supreme Men who never served in a war, ruled that pregnant women must deliver children [AKA soldiers], even if it is a threat to their health or it is against their doctor’s counsel. It’s a perfect storm of a long war. Would somebody ask Dick “Granpa” Cheney where I can find some aluminum tubes for my Gay Bombs? I’ll need some rainbow decals too. I want to lob one into Congress. Then the Supreme Court. Not the White House. Maybe Pierre, South Dakota.