Greetings, Kate:
I am a sociologist, and an attorney, and a woman without a clue when
it comes to matters of the heart. As a former teacher, you will be
pleased to know I have done my homework to resolve this question before raising my
hand, but the results of my research are inconclusive. I remain baffled. So,
I ask you, my favorite philosopher and ultimate arbiter of dykorum, what is
the appropriate event to commemorate as an anniversary?
My data suggests that some start the clock ticking the moment they
meet, their first date(my girlfriend is in this camp) or their first kiss.
Some record the date of their first naked tumble in their palm pilot with
other annual obligations like pap smears and mammograms. (yours truly would
be found in this category). Some choose the day they moved in together, a few even
memorialize the date upon which they simultaneously used the bathroom,
which, according to my survey, in case you’re interested, takes the average
lesbian couple 7.357 months. That’s all fine and dandy……….when the
parties to the contract agree on mutual terms. (My girlfriend and I would not be
included in this category.) Hence, the dilemma. Hence, the question, “whence do
we commence?”
It’s now September. Despite heroic avoidant tactics and ingenious
distractions, the moment has arrived and “it” can no longer be
As predictably as the falling of the leaves, this topic has floated to the
surface of my relationship like a turd in the punchbowl. Root, hog or die, my move
must be made, whether it be sending roses or orchestrating a romantic
serenade by a singing gorilla. My recollections compel me to execute this ritual
“around” the end of the month, but she insists upon a specific date.
I am comfortable with ambiguity, but my partner is exacting and precise; you
know the type, she uses ink on a first draft. She likes direct answers, and I carry a
recessive vagueness gene. She’s pure; apparently I’m prurient. She
believes in rules, I’m professionally trained to work around them. As evidenced
by this pitiful, rambling plea for clarity, I am desperate for enlightenment:
1) why do we have to have an anniversary to begin with, 2) what exactly are we
celebrating, and 3) how is the date arrived upon when the parties are
in different stages of memory loss? These questions beg your wisdom, if not for
me, but for all those women like me who suffer this unspeakable torment year
in and year out. I’m counting on you, Kate. You’re the best.
Warmest personal regards and adoration,
Sharon Bante
Dear Betty,
I trust we are not paying you by the billable hour, but appreciate your
laying out the many sides of the argument.
Which I will ignore. Ain’t I a caution?
The lovely thing about our lezzie faire relationships, especially
unmarred by the unmarried, is we get to decide. That’s what I call
lesbian liberation. Luckily, but who knew then?, my partner and I
celebrate both our meeting and a four hour later roll roll in the hey
hay as our anniversary. It was quite the conference. We have agreed
on the date and then both promptly forget it.
We do honor the day we moved in together as “The Touching of the
T-Shirts” Day.
So go ahead, give her a present whenever you feel like it. The whole
world hates a happy woman, and when two of us get together it’s a
miracle to be celebrated every day. Keep the sparkling cider on ice.
I drink a toast to you and yours!