Greetings, Kate: I am a sociologist, and an attorney, and a woman without a clue when it comes to matters of the heart. As a former teacher, you will be pleased to know I have done my homework to resolve this question before raising my hand, but the results of my research are inconclusive. I remain baffled. So, I ask you, my favorite philosopher and ultimate arbiter of dykorum, what is the appropriate event to commemorate as an anniversary? My data suggests that some start the clock ticking the moment they meet, their first date(my girlfriend is in this camp) or their first kiss. Some record the date of their first naked tumble in their palm pilot with other annual obligations like pap smears and mammograms. (yours truly would be found in this category). Some choose the day they moved in together, a few even memorialize the date upon which they simultaneously used the bathroom, which, according to my survey, in case you're interested, takes the average lesbian couple 7.357 months. That's all fine and dandy..........when the parties to the contract agree on mutual terms. (My girlfriend and I would not be included in this category.) Hence, the dilemma. Hence, the question, "whence do we commence?" It's now September. Despite heroic avoidant tactics and ingenious distractions, the moment has arrived and "it" can no longer be ignored. As predictably as the falling of the leaves, this topic has floated to the surface of my relationship like a turd in the punchbowl. Root, hog or die, my move must be made, whether it be sending roses or orchestrating a romantic serenade by a singing gorilla. My recollections compel me to execute this ritual "around" the end of the month, but she insists upon a specific date. I am comfortable with ambiguity, but my partner is exacting and precise; you know the type, she uses ink on a first draft. She likes direct answers, and I carry a recessive vagueness gene. She's pure; apparently I'm prurient. She believes in rules, I'm professionally trained to work around them. As evidenced by this pitiful, rambling plea for clarity, I am desperate for enlightenment: 1) why do we have to have an anniversary to begin with, 2) what exactly are we celebrating, and 3) how is the date arrived upon when the parties are in different stages of memory loss? These questions beg your wisdom, if not for me, but for all those women like me who suffer this unspeakable torment year in and year out. I'm counting on you, Kate. You're the best. Warmest personal regards and adoration, Sharon Bante ____________________________________________________________ Dear Betty, I trust we are not paying you by the billable hour, but appreciate your laying out the many sides of the argument. Which I will ignore. Ain't I a caution? The lovely thing about our lezzie faire relationships, especially unmarred by the unmarried, is we get to decide. That's what I call lesbian liberation. Luckily, but who knew then?, my partner and I celebrate both our meeting and a four hour later roll roll in the hey hay as our anniversary. It was quite the conference. We have agreed on the date and then both promptly forget it. We do honor the day we moved in together as "The Touching of the T-Shirts" Day. So go ahead, give her a present whenever you feel like it. The whole world hates a happy woman, and when two of us get together it's a miracle to be celebrated every day. Keep the sparkling cider on ice. I drink a toast to you and yours! Best, Kate