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July 31, 2008
Leave Now!
Hi, Kate:
Hopes this finds you happily enjoying summer!
If making George W. "belly laugh" would result in his transformation into a
peaceful, sensible, humanitarian compelled to end violence and hunger around
the world, what would you say to him?
No pressure.
Sharon
St. Louis, MO
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Dear Sharon,
It is too a lot of pressure. And what I generally do in pressure situations is dissociate. So I am first imagining that world you described - peaceful, well fed, sensible, humanitarian. I am woozy. After eight years of laughing/crying AT Hellboy, I just don't think I can make him laugh with me. He has accumulated sick days, I wish he would leave now.
I am working on a Bush pleading for his life before the International War Crimes Tribunal, and will get back to you.
Best,
Kate
July 28, 2008
For which Olympic event would you most like to be the color commentator?
Kate wants to hear from you! The next question of the week, straight from Kate, is: For which Olympic event would you most like to be the color commentator?
To get your voice heard, simply hit the Comment link below and tell her what you think! No registration is necessary, and you can post anonymously if you want.
July 24, 2008
Ptown GPS
One of the big controversies in Provincetown this summer involves complaints by fifty-third generation descendants of Puritan about nudity and public sex in the far reaches of the Herring Cove Dunes. The good news is that my worry that gay marriage is a straight conspiracy to stop gay sex is apparently and happily unfounded.
For those of you who would, of course like to know the exact coordinates of the sexual activity, check your GPS, Gay People Sex. And don’t forget: if it’s three, let it be. The poison ivy, not the ménages. The poison ivy leaves are just turning a very helpful red alert.
The National Park Rangers can divert giant over sand motor home behemoths just by putting up the flimsiest of strings and posting “Piping Plover Nesting Area” signs. People honor those areas. My suggestion is that the over-worked and underpaid civil servants rope off sexually active areas of the dunes and put up “Gay Sex Frolicking Area” signage. After the initial posting, there would be no need for time consuming beach patrols.
Everybody sing: [to the tune of “Oh, the farmers and the ranchers must be friends] “Oh the gay folks and the Puritans must be friends.”
The rangers have better things to do with their time. On a recent high tide, made higher by the pull of a full moon, an elderly woman was stranded on a spit of sand and called for help. One man called the Park Rangers, who said they were not in the business of rescue. He found another man, with a small rubber dinghy who was ready to row out to the woman. At that moment, the Coast Guard arrived and would not allow the attempted rescue, because the man did not have enough life-jackets on board.
If only the elderly woman on that tiny strip of sand had stripped naked and done a suggestive hoochee-koo. She would not have had to wait for the ebb tide or suffer from hypothermia.
In international news, Angelina Jolie gave birth to her twins. Mother and children are doing well. Seconds after they were born, the twins were handed to Brad Pitt, who reportedly hugged them to his naked chest. Into the world through Angelina’s legs and then placed on Brad’s chest! What a charmed life those children already lead! I am happy for them, and yes, just a little jealous.
The Jolie/Pitt blessed event augers well for the beginning of Gay Family Week here in the town of P. We are just coming to the end of the first ever Girlsplash! Week. Organizer hopes that it will grow as big as October’s Women’s Week. Lynette Molnar says, “In a few more years, it will be like Women’s Week but without the Polartech.” Pool parties, whale watches, and dance parties were some of the highlights.
I am all set for Family Week. After the big GLAD summer party at the Pilgrim Monument, where I will be their honorary auctioneer, I will go pick up the two zip kids I have rented for the week. I am on a waiting list for what they tell me is a “babe-magnet” adorable six month old girl named Karla. I’ve already got a double wide stroller fully loaded. For me it also doubles as a walker.
The most wonderful part of the week is the tons of teen kids of gay parents. They are feisty, smart, political, very fashionable and they love being with each other. This summer is my 84th season performing in Ptown. Thanks to their gay parents, the way these kids are maturing, I can retire happily in a few seasons.
July 15, 2008
WildCatting
Happy Ides of July!
It’s a beautiful day here in Ptown and we were out at Herring Cove and some of the gals were in their beach chairs. It was low tide. We were talking, just idly letting the sand sift through our fingers. Well, one thing led to another and before you know it, we were all wildcatting for oil. Anyone can do it now, because George “the pusher” Bush issued an executive order lifting the ban on offshore drilling. He treats SUVs like SVUs.
Pretty soon everybody was staking claims and getting pretty mean. Especially the babes from Texas. It’s in their blood. There will be blood. They could care less about piping plover nesting grounds. They ripped down our one and only windpower windmill, and started using the blades for deep digging and swatting other prospectors away. I don’t know if they’ll get their rigs up before Rosie and Kelli’s R Family Love Boat gets to town on Thursday, but I sure hope the wildcatters have the decency to hang some lanterns to alert boats. I think it’s a law of the sea. But the land, like Lucy, is lawless.
Ptown is a sanctuary city. We grant asylum to anyone who jumps ship and wants to stay. But I think the RFamily Barge should worry about stowaways. Like me. Don’t get me wrong, everything is going great this summer. After all, it’s Bear Week here, not Bear Stearns Week. But after the incendiary and insulting “satiric” New Yorker cover with Michelle and Barack Obama, Bush’s incoherent press conference, CA bank failures, and John McBush supposedly rising in the polls, I might have to get on my Navy Seal drag, hop a tender and stowaway with Captains Rosie and Kelli.
And then leave my cell phone on and mess with the ship’s navigation system and head due south. Brazil, here we come!
July 14, 2008
What is your favorite LGBT beach book this summer? PS: Next year you'll have my new one, called I Told You So
Kate wants to hear from you! The next question of the week, straight from Kate, is: What is your favorite LGBT beach book this summer? PS: Next year you'll have my new one, called I Told You So.
To get your voice heard, simply hit the Comment link below and tell her what you think! No registration is necessary, and you can post anonymously if you want.
July 04, 2008
Snakes on a Plane
Trifecta news day – the man who played Bozo the Clown died; a transgendered man in Oregon gave birth to a baby girl; Jesse Helms died of “natural causes” in North Carolina at the age of 86.
The man who told his friend Orrin Hatch that he was going to sing Dixie to Carol Moseley Braun until she cried, who delivered his state to a lagging Ronald Reagan in the Republican primary, who loved all things Pinochet, who chaired the Foreign Relations Committee, who was a vile and constant homophobe has finally died.
In 1984, I went to Raleigh-Durham to perform at a benefit to raise funds to help defeat Helms in his third Senate re-election bid. Liz Snow, an old friend from Syracuse, New York, who worked at Ladyslipper Records, picked me up at the airport and briefed me on Helms sleaze campaign stories as we drove to the hall.
As we clunked along in Liz’s mini-truck, in the middle of a particularly horrific race-baiting story, at the last second we saw what we both thought was a huge log across the road. A second before we hit it, we saw that it was a huge snake. Liz gunned it and screamed, “It’s Jesse Helms!” We flew through the air like a Dukes of Hazzard car chase scene. Helms was a snake, a huge speed bump to progressives in the South and the nation. Good-bye, Jesse Helms. Let’s hear it for natural causes.
Happy Independence Day!
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