2016 race needs a Sincerity Detector – The Washington Blade- 3/2015

Through some mysterious reserve of discipline, I did not binge-watch my way through the enforced sheltering-at-home caused by the recent unpleasantness known as winter. Okay, I did watch the extraordinary Transparent one whole snowy day. Otherwise I was hard at work.

It was time well-spent. I am now waiting on patents for two of my inventions: the combo vape/selfie stick and the line of clothes for seniors made entirely of airbags with tiny embedded gyroscopes calibrated to inflate when a senior is tipping.

My third invention is proving to be a devilish challenge. When Hobby Lobby got its free pass to “opt out” of obeying laws based on “sincerely held religious beliefs,” I wondered how and who would be measuring sincerity levels. Hence the Sincerity Detector.

Some might think this a frivolous exercise. I disagree. The detector will be essential in all right wing weasly, whinging, wimp-out religious exemptions. “Official Sincerity Detector” could become a sought-after civil service job with health and pension benefits.

And the device will be critical in the upcoming presidential election. Let me remind you that in the debriefs after Hillary Clinton lost the Democratic primary to Barrack Obama, presstitutes opined that Hillary’s fatal flaw was that she was “unable to fake sincerity.”

I am so on to something.

And I won’t lie to you. I want Hillary Clinton to be the next president of the United States. I had hoped for more time to fine-tune my Sincerity Detector, but Darryl ISIS, the Jean Valjean of Benghazi, seems to have jumpstarted Hillary’s campaign with Emailgate. Rep. ISIS is demanding a full explanation of the emojis Hillary is very fond of using: blushing bride, yoginis, thumbs up. It’s sweet, actually.

While I’m still getting the kinks out of the detector, I do have some strategeric advice for the Clinton campaign. Never do a press conference in front of La Guernica. I don’t care if it is Picasso’s statement against fascism, showing the tragedies of war and the suffering of innocent civilians.

The press wants something perkier, brighter. They like shiny pretty things. It’s much more fun for them to cover the Republican candidates sponsored by the Teahaddists and the Kock Brotherhood. Marco “Free market capitalism causes democracy, except for Cuba” Rubio. Rand “uncomfortable with gay marriage” Paul. Chris “a name so nice he used it twice” Christie. Mike “Reverend guns, guts, and god” Huckabee. Donald Trump, probably. Jeb Bush, definitely. They miss Mitt.

With the Democrats all the press has is Hillary. Sigh. And they have covered everything already, from Travelgate to Blue-Gap-Dress-Gate to Vince Foster. They are bored and they take it out on her.

So my suggestion is to get some decoys to run against Hillary. I love Elizabeth Warren but I hope she stays right where she is and makes life a living hell for vulture capitalists everywhere.

It shouldn’t be hard to find some willing decoy candidates. A billionaire tech dude who just looked up from programming and now wants to do good in the world. A billionaire gay man who wants naming rights to the White House. A football coach who wants to make a point about those deflated balls. Somebody, anybody, on a book tour. Francis Underwood. President Grant. Or Melly. Julia Marie Dreyfuss would be a blast. Since corporations are people now, Cinnabon can run! Everybody loves Cinnabon.

There will be twice-weekly live debates, loosely based on bracketology and the red spinning chairs from The Voice. The pool of suggested moderators: Clint Eastwood, Harper Lee, Robin Penn and of course Ryan Seacrest.

All candidates first have to sign a waiver avowing that they they will drop out of the running just before the Democratic convention. Luckily I should have my fool-proof Sincerity Detector up and running in time for the waiver-signing.









Leave a Reply