Being John Ashcroft – The Advocate, 3/30/2001

During the presidential campaign, W’s nannies had him meet with The Log Cabin Syrup Republicans. After, and after a shower no doubt, he said in typical Bush Vaguespeak, that he had learned a few things. It’s true he hasn’t worn any of those turquoise western wear bolos. In public. But he seems to have had front row seats at the movie “Being John Ashcroft” and liked what he saw. He wasn’t the only one.

The Ashcroft kissing Congress listened to the former senator’s lies under oath about not obstructing Jim Hormel’s ambassadorship based on his sexual orientation as if they were the truth, and, sans filibuster, confirmed him. You can see it in the new movie remake, Mr. Integrity asked to be sworn in by Clarence Uncle Thomas under cover of night. May Christopher Dodd be plagued by boils on his Connecticut yanker.

Perhaps because this is a Viagra powered coup or because these guys are taking hits off Andrew Sullivan’s testosterone drip, it is a very manly man time. Include Karen Hughes. It is thus a very de-gayed moment. After the unpleasantness in Florida, even the very circuit party boy sounding “Chad” has been scared straight.

Despite the hushed reverential reminders that the Cheneys have a gay daughter, whenever the suckups we call the press hush hush whispered, “Look there she is at the swearing in and she’s with her partner,” the word partner sounded less domestic and more western and you half-expected to see tumbleweed bounce by. There might be something about Mary, but she can’t signify for all. And let’s review: only Dick Cheney, The Bush Whisperer, has the gay daughter. His lovely wife, Lon Cheney, demurs on the dyke thing.

Heck, even before Bill Clinton was elected, during the Clinton I vs. Bush I campaign, there was that wonderful photo of Bill and Al’s head airbrushed onto two intertwined buffed and barechested guys in denim cutoffs. The fun couple appeared on t-shirts, cards, and ads. I bet Bill and Al even had a laugh about it. It won’t happen with Dick and W. Double phew. And if it did, the owners of Don’t Panic would be executed in Texas as soon as they could be fit into the rotation.

Not two minutes into his administration, Bill Clinton was already deep in gays in the military do do. Sam Nunn, Little Miss Fistula, had already taken his colleagues on a submarine field trip to show them just how close the quarters were. Don’t ask. And how unsafe it was to pick up a bar of soap in the shower. They were in there for hours. Don’t tell. But whether the talk was for or against gays in the military, at least there was talk about gays somewhere.

About two minutes into the Bush Restoration and despite Showtime’s 10 million dollar ad campaign for and about the A-gays of Queer as Folk, it’s like we’re living in an Ex-gay ad sponsored by some faith-based group. Until now I have not supported outing because it is anti-choice and punitive, but after Ricky Martin performed at the Inauguration and was photographed mugging with J. Fred W, I have changed my mind. Now, I like to wander into Tower Records and stand in front of the display of Ricky’s new cry for help CD titled “Sound Loaded”, and say to prospective teen girl buyers, “Did you know he’s a big fag?”

We might never know exactly what George W. said to Al on the phone, when Al told him that he was not going to concede the presidential election after all. Whatever the major league hissy fit, Al said, “Well, there’s no need to get snippy about it.”

Days later, after he’d been to his ranch near Waco – after he’d had the boil lanced, the teleprompters installed in his retinas, and the blink sequencer regulated – W was asked in a ranch style press conference what he had said that had caused Al to characterize his behavior as snippy.

In his beige Stetson, watched over by a gloating Trent Lott also in a Stetson but looking like the guy from Toy Story, W said snippily, “Snippy? That’s not a word we use in Texas. That’s some northeast, smarty pants faggoty word.” He did not ad. He didn’t have to.