Cuture War Bride – The Progressive, 7/30/2003

All the good news at the end of June highlighted just how bad the news has been. The Supreme Court upheld Affirmative Action at the University of Michigan. And while the Supreme Commander was still trying to strike down Saddam, the Supreme Court struck down sodomy. The whole thing almost made up for helping to steal that presidential election in 2000. But not quite. At all.

Prior to the Supreme stunner, the Ontario Court of Appeals had ruled that the exclusion of gays from the institution of marriage is “illogical, offensive and unjustifiable.” Oh, Canada. I could drink a case of you. Then Michael Savage of MSNBC’s Savage Nation told a caller/sodomist, “You should only get AIDS and die, you pig.” The good news: MSNBC fired him, but then congratulated itself too mightily.

The Supreme’s decisions were all too much for the supremacist, Strom Thurmond. And it was way too much for Pat Robertson. In “Operation Supreme Court Freedom,” he took a prayerful contract out on certain Supreme Court Justices. They remained unnamed, but the congregation was given ailment hints: “one is 83 years old, one has cancer, one has a heart condition.” The Don of the 700 Club closed his eyes and prayed discretely, “Would it not be possible for God to put it into the minds of these judges to retire?”

A week later, at the dedication ceremony for the opening of the Constitution Museum in Philadelphia, the Rev. Sharpei almost got his mojo working. When the Justices pulled streamers to drop the scrim in front of the Constitution, a support beam dropped instead and was almost put into the brain of Sandra Day O’ Swing Vote. Antonin Scalia was conveniently in another section of the museum at the time. Sadly, sassy Ann Coulter was off touring her book about the good old days of McCarthyism.

The 6-3 Sodomy decision, which incidentally Bill Bennett lost a bundle on because he picked Scalia at 5-4, featured that Axis of Egos: Rehnquist, Thomas and Scalia. Thomas, who had dissented in the Affirmative Action case because he did not want anyone else to experience the catastrophic success he’s had to endure, dismissed the Texas sodomy law as “silly”. That left the real vituperation to Scalia.

The Scalia of Justice did not disappoint. He railed that the decision was nothing more than a victory for the gay agenda in the ongoing culture wars and dismayed that it would lead to gay marriage. That activated Trent’s stunt double, Dr. Bill Frist, to threaten a new constitutional amendment, “The Marriage Limitation Amendment” i.e. marriage is between one man and one woman and she shall be submissive unto him and make her loins available to him every day. Sixteen words he did not add. Since when is the mere use of the word count function in the tool bar considered investigative journalism?

I’m no America Frister, yet it has taken me a long time to warm to same sex marriage. One of the cool things about being gay was that you didn’t have to get married. Instead of trying to get the right to marry, I thought we should have been going around trying to talk ungay people out of it. If marriage is so natural, why the need for its constant defense, the elaborate ceremonies, the marriage benefit, the tax credits for children? It’s as if those old Scared Straight programs have morphed into Paid Straight programs. A piquantly timed Newsweek cover on marriage painted a bleak picture of same old sex unions. Perhaps it’s a conspiracy. If you want gay people to stop having sex, have them get married.

While I do believe gay people are entitled to every right and ritual straight people sort of enjoy, we have opted for the short form. As if co-signing monster mortgage payment papers were not commitment enough, my partner and I recently became Domestic Partners in the State of New York. She used to be my unindicted coconspirator, now she’s my cultural war bride. We are registered at Target. In a simple ceremony at City Hall, next to the window where you could register to be a lobbyist, we paid twenty dollars for our papers. That’s ten dollars less than a marriage certificate, but we do get fewer perks. Because of our new status, I am entitled to visit my d.p. in jail. Given that the Republicans are going to hold their convention a few blocks from our apartment, that is a very attractive feature.

Kate “I’m off to emcee Canada’s Gay Newlywed Game” Clinton is a humorist.