Hormoneland Security – The Progressive, 8/30/2002

I liked George better when he was just reading to the kids, as was his former photo-op wont. But now he’s reading to the grownups, and it’s not a pretty sight. He gives pep talks that make the market tank by the end of the day. He shows up with the big “I care” messages splayed on the backdrop like scrolls of tacky ethical wallpaper: “Corporate Responsibility,” “Homeland Security,” “War on Terror.” The words look as if they are going in one of his ears and out the other. In his programmed speak and spiel, he chants, “Malfeance! Gimme an M! Gimme an A! . . . What’s that spell? No, really, what’s that spell? What’s it mean?”

In his address to Wall Street, he did not look good. He read his solutions for corporate mal-whatever. Double the incarceration for mal-doers who will never be incarcerated anyway. Bring on the SEC SWAT teams (as if!). When all else fails, invade Iraq and impeach Bill Clinton again.

At a press conference the day before, reporters had asked him direct questions, and that was frustrating for the poor guy. His brow was more furrowed than a Westminster Sharpei, and a bucket of Botox couldn’t smooth it out.

When the emperor has to wear clothes, don’t make him wear that black and white moral hound’s tooth. It’s really hard to be President, case you didn’t know. Blame it on Karen. She left, and everything went to smash.

A little perspective, please. Whitewatergate started as an investigation of a $100,000 land deal-chump change to the curb!-and ended $50 million later with impeachment proceedings. But this financial scandal is much bigger. There’s blow jobs, and there’s snow jobs. And right now, we’re snowed under.

But don’t hold your breath waiting for the Democrats to capitalize on this scandal. Where is the Democrat’s Ken “Jean Valjean” Starr? Please put away that eyebrowless Dick Gephardt. I swear if the Dems got hold of a picture of George drunk, naked, going down on Ari Fleischer in the Lincoln Bedroom with Dick Cheney at the door selling tickets to watch, they would not know what to do with it.

Interestingly enough, the disclosure of the fraudulent “restatement of earnings” coincides with discovery of the deleterious “replacement of hormones.” The good news is that the Women’s Health Initiative did urge women to stop taking the combo progestin/estrogen when it became clear that it was harmful to their health. Big Pharma be damned. The bad news is that six million women could be easing off their hormones in the next few weeks. Did somebody say SWAT teams?

Because I love my country, I humbly offer myself as head of the Office of Hormoneland Security. Unless, of course, the very gracious guru of women’s health, Dr. Susan Love, who had warned about hormone replacement treatment for years, wants the job. Note that she is gracious enough not go around gloating, “I told you so.”

We pledge to unmedicalize every menopausal symptom and make it work for the body politic.

Osteoporosis? Weight-bearing exercise such as walking has been shown to stem bone loss. Sounds like marching to me. We’ll do the heavy lifting. Insomnia? Our SWAT teams will be on duty night and day for you.

Hot flashes? Our uniforms will be cotton, multilayered. The lights on our data-mining helmets will be auto-powered.

Forgetfulness? You wish. We’ll Madame DuFarge our lists, and we will not forget.

Mood swings? Who wouldn’t be cranky with the lack of sleep and hot flashes? We will be righteously angry and outspoken in a cautious, passive world.

Vaginal dryness? In a world of viagra, you ain’t seen anger yet.

To the Hormoneland! u

Kate “I miss June Jordan” Clinton is a humorist.