Hypocrites Galore – The Progressive, 9/24/2007

A disturbing disorder is sweeping the nation. First there was SAD, Social Anxiety disorder. Formerly known as “shy”, SAD is fear or apprehension regarding social situations. Then there was an epidemic of RLS., restless leg syndrome, not to be confused with the twitching next to you on the delayed NY to DC USAir Shuttle. Now there’s SHF, Sexual Hypocrisy Fatigue and I’ve got a wicked case of it.

Plain old Hypocrisy Fatigue I can handle. Harriet Miers, she who wanted be on the Supreme Court, showing contempt of court? Ho, hum. Alberto Gonzales, the nation’s leading law enforcement officer, preemptivey ordering the Justice Department not to prosecute contempt of Congress charges if they concern assertions of executive privilege? He wore me out with his hypocrisy long ago, and his is no mind of mensa.

But after Ted Haggard and Mark Foley, I knew I was in the throes of a full blown SHF attack. And when the story unfolded about David Vitter, I felt like a drowsy chaperone at yet another orgy. Yawn.

Back in the good old days of the Clinton Impeachment, after the multi-philandering Newt Gingrich stepped down, his successor, the Speaker-elect, Bob Livingston resigned when his extramarital affairs became public, thanks to the investigative hustle of Larry Flynt. Louisiana legislator, Vitter, campaigned for Livingston’s vacant pedestal and won. During his campaign, Mrs. Vitter was asked what she would do if her husband cheated on her, and she said, “I’m a lot more like Lorena Bobbit than Hillary. It he does something like that, I’m walking away with one thing, and it’s not alimony, trust me.” You go girl!

Vitter is a family values, anti-choice, abstinence-only social conservative who called for Clinton to resign to “preserve the moral fabric of the country.” He lead the election year fight to bring the Marriage Protection Amendment to the Senate floor. He smarmed, “I don’t believe there’s any issue that’s more important than this one.” Ah, but there was: how phone logs work.

The still hustling Larry Flynt notified Vitter’s office that the Senator’s number had appeared several times in the phone logs of a DC Escort Service. From an undisclosed location, perhaps on a tryst with the no-show Harriet Miers, Vitter e-pologized for the very serious sin of his past, took responsibility and said that he had received forgiveness from his God and his wife. Apparently Lorena Vitter’s vitriol has a cut off date. No word yet on whether Giuliani has dropped him as his Southern regional campaign manager.

During his prayerful seclusion, Vitter received more allegations from other prostitutes surfaced challenging that single “sin” statement. Salacious rumors of a diaper fetish, Pampers not Astronaut, whipped through the internet. You can be sure Joe Lieberman, the senate swinger, did not start them. He needs Vitter to stay. After a week in which he worked on his press victimization ‚Äòtude, Vitter held a press conference flanked by his wife Wendy, ably played by Allison Janney, CJ, the press secretary on West Wing. And then he was back to work.

Despite all the dizzying, juicy details, my schaden has lost its freude. Like Erectile Dysfunction [I guess] I just can’t get it up anymore for the predictable disconnect between screed and deed. Blow jobs pale in this seven year snow job and I’ll take orgasm over wargasm any day. Give them all a per diem.

Kate Clinton is a stand-down comic