Our 2016 Game of Thrones Election – The Washington Blade- 4/2015

Scene: Ralph Lauren luxe balcony on Amalfi Coast.

Bald, jowly guy with indeterminate accent:

“I believe men of talent have a part to play in the war to come. The kingdom needs someone strong, a ruler loved by millions, with a powerful army and the right family name.”

Scar-faced small person drinking mead from RL stemware:

“Good luck finding him.”

Jowly guy: [beat] with arched Austin Power eyebrow:

“Who said anything about him?”

Listen, I would name names if I could, but Game of Thrones [GOT] has long been inaccessible to me. When I might have gotten the plot basics down, GOT was on right after eight hours in the crack house of The NFL Red Zone, and I was too fried.

GOT is a lot like The Red Zone, maniacally switching from one team to another team, each with mascots, outfits, team colors, beardage, home field advantages and scores to settle. The Red Zone has an unflappable dispatcher calmly keeping viewers up on what is happening. GOT does not.

Just as I have given up keeping up with the swirling collide-oscope of football’s Red Zone, I have given up on GOT. In so doing I have disqualified myself from participation in a huge segment of cocktail party binge-watching recaps. I don’t speak Gottian.

It is a disadvantage but you can’t make me do a daylong marathon catch-up. Especially now that winter is over.   Besides GOT would have to be in my view queue behind Harry Potter, Star Wars and the Hobbit. My cultural deficiency there has irreparably hobbled my crossword proficiency.

But it did not escape me that the much-ballyhooed return of GOT, Season whatever, was the same Sunday as the announcement of the return of Hillary Clinton to the war to come. The kingdom needs someone strong, loved by millions, with a powerful army and the right family name.

Were the Clinton campaign war-room generals prescient or just lucky? The so-called soft-open campaign video was a welcomed relief to the eyes. Instead of weeks’ of crashing icons, flame-breathing flying dragons and mumbling minions there were some ordinary Americans talking about healthcare, education and the environment. At the end Hillary appears to announce her candidacy. It might have been cool to have Hillary sport some Daenerys Targaryen [I googled it, calm down] awesome Heidi blonde braids, but they didn’t go there.

You can imagine how hilarious it would be if here I were able to pair up Hillary’s opponents with GOT characters. In column A: Ted Cruz, from the cold northern realm. Rand Paul, strange lovechild of Ron Paul and Ayn Rand. Chris Christie, once powerful ruler brought low by bridge trolls. Marco Rubio, bedeviled by a bottle of Poland Springs water. Scott Walker, leader of the blood-thirsty Teahaddists. Jeb Bush, closeted Latino, AKA Heb Arbusto. I will let you GOT fans match up with column B.

Of course I will be following the one GOT plot line I do know: Hillary attacked by resentful, power-mad, poison-penned Red Queen, Maureen Dowd.

Otherwise I will be spending my time on strategies to get out the vote. Dire warnings don’t seem to work. The Supreme Court hangs in the balance! Climate change is here and now! Government will occupy your Vagina! .Here’s one idea: if you don’t vote you forfeit your right to watch Game of Thrones. NO VOTE: NO GOT something like that.

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