The Kennys – 11/30/1999

Besides falling leaves, falling governments and falling markets, Fall is a season of self-congratulation. The Emmys, The Miss America Pageant, The Country Music Awards, The MTV Awards, all cast a warm glow of euchred hubris on our upturned faces. The buzz on the leaf strewn street is that the new kid on the award show block, The Kennys is sure to sweep the “Best Achievement in Self-Congratulatory Award Show” category at next year’s Emmys.

The Kenny Awards were recently announced from a non-descript sloping driveway in Alexandria, Virginia. Despite the fact that everyone already knew the winners because they had been leaked for weeks, the show was broadcast live in its entirety on MSNBC, the internet at, CNN Airport News, C-SPAN and See’s Candy In-store Entertainment Channel “The Fudge Report”.

From a lucite podium wedged behind an opened limousine door, a dough faced slightly smiling MC did a wonderful opening number, carefully taking his sport coat off, folding it, gingerly placing it in the car. The crowd went wild. Then with the morning sun glinting off his Mr. Peabody style glasses, he read the mission statement of the Kennys, “to honor achievements in entertainment during the recent Troubles.” In addition to the nominations, the MC happily announced a surprise Lifetime Achievement Award, “The Nixon”, given to former president Ronald Reagan, accepted by Oliver North.

Winners were chosen through extensive polling of the American People [TAP]. The results were ignored and Kenny winners were subsequently selected by Geraldo Rivera. The design of the award was also voted on by TAP who selected from the following prototypes: cigar, a stone, a Ken Doll, a putsch or the letter A. The votes were carefully tabulated and again, disregarded. Winners received a six inch gold statuette in the shape of the Kenny character from HBO’s South Park, because as one highly placed Kenny producer explained off the record, “Every week they killed Kenny and every Monday he was back with a box of something.”

Partial list of the Kennys from the four hour award show:

  1. Miss Congeniality – Hillary Clinton (by a nose over Susan Weber Wright)
  2. Best Children’s Series – Nickelodeon for “Tubbie’s Telling”
  3. Best continuous coverage – CNN, Clinton Nookie News. Kudos to CNN’s “Women who run with Wolf Blitzer.”
  4. Best achievement in Parental Enabling – Mr. and Mrs. Lewinsky for “Sure, here’s your check for another presidential fundraiser.”
  5. Best Stonecasting By People In Glass House Judiciary Committees – Henry “Family Protection Act” Hyde
  6. Best merchandise spinoff – The tee shirt “My daughter went to DC and all I got was this lousy semen-stained dress.”
  7. Best in Misdirection – Mike McCurry for “It’s a Bird, It’s a Plane, It’s An Airstrike”
  8. Best Achievement in a Technicality – Bill “It’s Almost Like Shaking Hands” Clinton. Runner-up in technical achievement – Linda’s Tripp wire
  9. Outstanding Achievement in Sudden Seclusion – Ted Kennedy
  10. Best writing in love letter category – To Monica Lewinsky for the line “I have some ideas about educational reform. Love, Monica.” Pure poetry. Eat your heart out Peggy Noonan.
  11. First in ship-jumping – Former presidential aid Georges Stephanopolos for first mention of the dreaded I-word, impeachment. Runner-up – DeeDee Myers.
  12. Most Reliable Clinton Pussy – Socks

At the post-Kenny bash at Cracker Barrel, Pat Robertson, minister and weather man, still gloating over Hurricane Georges hit on Florida, (“Though I wouldn’t have called it that wimpy Georges and I’m sorry it knocked some of my brethern and cistern in Mississippi,”) opened the celebration with a prayer for impeachment. At the event, sponsored by Values Czar Bill “Swifty” Bennett, revelers smoked cigars, noshed triumphantly on crow canapes and triangulated into the wee hours.

The Kenny Producers have also leaked other exciting news! Watch for a spin-off mid-season replacement, “Celibacy Squares” with a cast of celebrity celibates, David Souter, Sr. Wendy, John Cardinal O’Connor, hosted by Dan Quayle. In the first episode Ken Starr fills in the center square for the departed Mother Teresa. “What was the chador? Enggh!! I’m sorry, the correct answer is – What was the chastity belt?” Hijinks ensue!

Kate “Lovechild of Dan Burton” Clinton is a humorist.