Three Chances? – The Advocate, 4/29/2006

I was worried. I had started to identify with George Bush.

When my partner and I were arguing and it wasn’t going well for my side, I would say, “May I remind you we are at war.” After she implied that I had gone to some idiotic non-sequitorial school, I would pause and point out, “And now you are giving comfort to the enemy.” I would promise to do things and then just go out and do whatever I damn well pleased.

I found it unsettling how much George and I were alike. After all, we both have a vague grasp of geography and history. “Wow, Brazil is big!” he said just last year when somebody (actually Brazil’s president) showed him a map. George and I both have definite workout goals, though I don’t have to close down the state parks in Maryland to ride my bike. We both hate to admit we are wrong – especially after we’ve declared the mission accomplished and we’re off to be greeted as liberators.

This annoying affinity was not some late outbreak of compassionate conservatism. It wasn’t wasn’t brought on by fevers from the avian flu which I think is caused by all the Democrat Chickenshits out there. (Russ Feingold excepted) For the next Senate Judiciary committee hearings, we should install big windmills in front of Joe “”I’m throwing my hair in the ring” Biden’s mouth. He could heat the northeast in the dead of winter.

It wasn’t March Madness or remnants of Olympic fever. It was Stockholm Syndrome – the behavior of hostage victims who, over time, become sympathetic to their captors. Five years of being detained by the Cartoon-in-Chief and his trigger happy toon pals can do that to a girl.

You’ll be happy to know that a recent Republican strategery conference snapped me out of it. I’ve taken off my beret and put away my uzzi. At the conference, Bill “Ask Your Doctor” Frist, and Mitt “full of s**t” Romney and others all speechified before prospective donors. What did the crowd want to hear about? The economy, torture, the war? Aren’t you sweet.

No, the war party wanted to hear about the sacredness of life. Clue: Recruitment is falling short; the war is running long. The Support the Troops ribbons are starting to look like infinity symbols. They’re going to need every body they can get. And, there they go again, Marriage is “between one man and one woman” – a bee-yotch slap to Mormon Mitt from Sam Brownback.

Sometimes I like to think the red of the red states stands for embarrassment that a majority of them voted for George. The blue of the blue states stands for them holding their breath, waiting for the other side to implode. News flash: the rabid are not thinking “my bad”, they are thinking “third term.” They never bothered with that pesky Constitution before. Why start now? Why else is George always mentioned in approval rating polls with John “Karl’s Next Project” McCain and Hillary “the Hawk” Clinton?

Ken Mehlman, head of the RNC, and I believe, son of Larry “Bud” Mehlman, said that Hillary Clinton has a lot of anger. You want anger? I’ll give you anger. George Bush, I wish I could quit you!