What caused lesbian extinction?- The Washington Blade- 4/30/16

It has been a tough time for lesbians. Our tribal language and lands are disappearing. The word ‘lesbian’ has been retro-grouped to ‘queer’ by Huff Post among others. We have lost our sacred summer gathering lands in Michigan. I have been investigating the causes of the The Dyke Diaspora for 25 years.

In 1993, a gay magazine, which shall remain nameless (hint: three syllables, rhymes with ‘bad show Kate’), hired me as a monthly columnist. My first column was about the Newsweek “Lesbians” cover story that had appeared the week after its “Could Dinosaurs Return?” cover story. The column was rejected.

Paleoarcheologists have discovered an ancient mosquito suspended in amber resin in a dig outside a known lesbian festival site in central Michigan. Scientists were studying the foundation of an ancient “eatery,” complete with ceremonial food arches, when they chanced upon the find. The excellent condition of the site also enabled them to uncover a small container of carbon foodsticks labeled “Dino-Fries.”

Hypothesizing that the lambent mosquito had bitten a lesbian attending the festival, scientists used a syringe found in a Diet Pepsi can to extract blood from the mosquito’s perfectly preserved and engorged proboscis. They isolated an incomplete strand of DNA. They augmented the partial strand with the DNA from a leather softball cover, circa 1991, and using ordinary tap water rehydrated the complete DNA and ecce lesbo! A reanimated lesbian.

“This is an extraordinary moment,” said project spokeswoman, Simone Noway, “for it has allowed us to end our centuries-long speculation about what caused the lesbian to become extinct. As soon as ‘Amber’ came around, we were able to talk to her and find out what happened in those crucial latter years of the 21st century.”
Archeologists at Hettrick-Martin University had led research in the field for years, pioneering dig techniques at sites all over North America and proffering several intriguing theories on lesbian extinction.

In 7969, “Stonewall Six Thousand,” at an East Coast urban site, they uncovered scuffed, but perfectly intact Vibram-soled footwear, “Doc Martens,” which still had a half-life of about a billion years. Scientists speculated that their huge, weighted soles made it difficult for lesbians to flee from their predators. “We believe that in some cases, especially in the larger-sized footwear, lesbians undecided on this style looked down at their feet and actually died of fright. The later platform style was apparently quite lethal,” said Noway.

In 7890, Western water workers chanced upon the site of the second Lesbian Herstory Archives. The treasure trove yielded invaluable information from the late 1900s, a crucial period in lesbian evolution. Artifacts found at that site refuted the earlier-held notion that some drastic environmental or climatic change, some hole in the ozone layer, caused the Great Dyke Demise.

After poring over archives, scientists speculated that in fact the sudden glare of media publicity was too much for the lesbian organism. “After living mushroomlike for years in the primordial ooze of rumor and innuendo, lesbians were sent into shock by the ‘Lesbian Chic Period,’ following as it did on the heels of the ‘Stealth Lesbian Era.’” Despite an emergency airlift of cool sunglasses from L.A. Eyeworks, many perished from squinting.”

Perhaps the most controversial theory was presented at the 6100th Annual Women’s Studies Conference by Prof. Mookie McClinton, famous for her ovular work, “Lesbian Family Trees: The Burning Bush.” In her thesis on the Dyke Diaspora, “Lesbo a Go-Go?” she stated, “ I believe quite simply, that they ate their own. And I don’t mean that in the good, old way,” she added wryly. “It’s no coincidence that at that same time, the mainstream, swollen from assimilating many tributaries, overflowed its banks. Not only were food sources destroyed, but weakened dykes were blamed.”

Scientists briefed a slightly dazed Amber, wearing multi-pocketed pants and a ‘No One Knows I’m a Lesbian’ T-shirt, very popular in the Irony Age of the late 1900s. She rejected the shoe, sunlight and snack theories. “NOA,” she said flatly. None of the above.

“Here’s what happened. Cruises became popular. The Aqua-Separatists sailed everywhere: Alaska – The Klondyke Tour; Australia – The Down There Tour; Lesbos – The Redundancy Tour. Not me. I believe a Navy of ex-lovers cannot sail. I was actually one of the last land-based lesbians.

“Anyway, they ran out of places to go. At the time of my tragic accident, a mud-wrestling top-bottom thing, I know plans were in the works for a huge cruise to Jupiter. Everybody was going. They’d be gone for 7,000 years, stop at planets out and back with a different comedy show every night. There were just that many lesbian comics then. Lesbian lift-off was scheduled for late 1998. Near as I can figure, they’ll be back soon, give or take a month.”